Integrated Process Developers, Inc. - Tricks to Remembering Names

10. Our customers really love us, so they don't care if our products are late and don't work.

9. Organizing to manage projects isn't compatible with our culture, and the last thing we need around this place is change.

8. All our projects are easy, and they don't have cost, schedule, and technical risks anyway.

7. We aren't smart enough to implement project management without stifling creativity and offending our technical geniuses.

6. We might have to understand our customers' requirements and document a lot of stuff, and that is such a bother.

5. Project management requires integrity and courage, so they would have to pay me extra.

4. Our bosses won't provide the support needed for project management; they want us to get better results through magic.

3. We'd have to apply project management blindly to all projects regardless of size and complexity, and that would be stupid.

2. I know there is a well-developed project management body of knowledge, but I can't find it under this mess on my desk.

1. We figure it's more profitable to have 50% overruns than to spend 10% on project management to fix them.

Crash Course in Management Speak
Says:	Means:
That's very interesting.	I disagree.
I don't disagree.	I disagree.
I don't totally disagree with you.	You may be right, but I don't care.
You have to show some flexibility.	You have to do it whether you want to or not.
We have an opportunity.	You have a problem.
You obviously put a lot of work into this.	This is awful.
In a perfect world.	Just get it working and get it out the door.
Help me to understand.	I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.
You just don't understand our business.	We don't understand our business.
You need to see the big picture.	My boss thinks it's a good idea.
We're going to follow a strict methodology here.	We're going to do it my way.
I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?	I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.
Cost of ownership is a significant issue.	We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.
We have to leverage our resources.	You're working weekends.
Individual contributor.	Employee who does real work.
Your project is on hold.	We've put a bullet in it.
Wrong answer.	You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.
You needed to be more proactive.	You should have protected me from myself.
I'd like your buy-in on this.	I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.
We want you to be the executive champion of this project.	I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.
We need to syndicate this decision.	We need to spread the blame if it backfires.
We have to put on our marketing hats.	We have to put ethics aside.
It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.	I don't know how to do it.
It's a no-brainer.	It's a perfect decision for me to handle.
I'm glad you asked me that.	Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.
I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.	One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.
There are larger issues at stake.	I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.
I'll never lie to you.	The truth will change frequently.
Our business is going through a paradigm shift.	We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.
Value-added.	Expensive.
Human Resources.	A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.
The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees.	The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

Here are 12 of the most outrageous excuses employees have heard for being late to work:

PM Mechanic

A project manager, hardware engineer and software engineer were in a car heading down a hill when the brakes failed. The driver managed to get it stopped by using the gears and a convenient dirt track.

All three jumped out and after peering under the car the hardware engineer said, "I see what the problem is and with this handy roll of duct tape I think I can fix it good enough to get us to the next town". The project manager quickly interrupted, "No, no, no. Before we do anything we need to decide on a vision for our future, figure out a plan and assign individual deliverables". At which point the software engineer said, "You know what, I think we should push the car back up to the top of the hill and see if it happens again".

Project Manager Performance Appraisal

Here are some more well-turned phrases to help you judge your charges' capabilities:

Glossary of Planning Terms

This is a glossary of regularly used terms and phrases associated with project planning, compiled to ensure that all Project and Programme members have a common understanding of the complicated jargon used by the planning team to confuse and delude Project Managers, Programme Managers and anyone involved in signing timesheets.

Once upon a time, an American company and a Japanese company decided to have a competitive boat race on the River Thames. The Japanese won by a mile.

The American firm became very discouraged and morale sagged. Senior Management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found and a project team was set up to investigate the problem and recommend the appropriate action.

Their conclusion: the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering. The American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. Senior Management immediately hired a consultant company to do a study of the American team's structure. Millions of dollars and several months later they concluded that too many people were steering and not enough rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese next year, the team structure was changed to four 'Steering Managers', three 'Senior Steering Managers' and one 'Executive Steering Manager'. A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder and become a key performer.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. The Executive Steering Manager of the American company was heard to say: "Next year that lazy SOB is going to have to row a lot harder!" But his underlings laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off the oars, cancelled all capital investment for new equipment and halted development of a new boat. They gave high performance awards to the consultants and distributed the money saved to Senior Management.

After many requests, a special menu has been developed for the latest release of Microsoft Project. I'm sure you will find it helpful.

How Projects Are Born

Programmer to Module Leader:
"This is not possible. **Impossible**. It will involve design change and no body in our team knows the design of the system. And above that nobody in our company knows the language in which this software has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion the company should never take these type of projects."

Module Leader to Project Manager:
"This project will involve design change. Currently we don't have people who have experience in this type of work. Also the language is unknown so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we should avoid taking this project."

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:
"This project involves design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also not many people are trained in this area. In my personal opinion we can take the project but we should ask for some more time."

1st Level Manager to 2nd Level Manager:
"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and some who know the language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project but with caution."

2nd Level Manager to CEO:
"This project will show the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other people. In my personal opinion we should not let this project go by under any circumstance."

CEO to Client:
"These are the type of projects in which our company specialize. We have executed many project of the same nature for many big clients. Trust me when I say that you are in the safest hand in the Industry. In my personal opinion we can execute this project successfully and that too well with in the given time frame."

-- http://www.humor.com

1. Wild enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Confusion
4. Panic
5. Search for the guilty
6. Punishment of the innocent
7. Promotion of non-participants

Want to impress your co-workers with you impressive knowledge of the latest management initiative?

All you need to do is think of a three digit number, then select the corresponding buzzword from the below three columns. For instance, 582 produces "responsive third-generation capability," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report or speech with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority.

No one will have the remotest idea what you are saying, but the important thing is that they are not about to admit it!

The Tale of Three Project Managers
a project management cautionary tale by Mike Harding Roberts

An hour later the river is fast flowing but deep and smooth. "This isn't so bad! Look, we're past the first milestone! Well done crew!"

A little later they come upon the first rapids. A worried crew member asks: "Er, what about lifejackets?" Ivor replies: "O.K. Meeting this afternoon to consider. All proposals welcome." The meeting is duly held though the rough ride makes it difficult. The need for lifejackets is agreed. A subcommittee is established to consider what type of lifejacket might be best.

Later, another crew member asks whether oars would help in the increasingly turbulent waters. A meeting is scheduled.

After another few hours of being tossed around in the now violent waters a crew member says someone should be steering. After mildly rebuking the crew member for seeking to make such an arbitrary decision Ivor sets a time for a meeting to discuss whether the boat should be steered, if so by whom and how directional decisions would be arrived at consensually.

Unfortunately, before the meeting can be held the boat is hurled onto the rocks and smashed to matchwood. Half the crew drown in the rapids. Ivor and the survivors hike for 3 months through dense jungle. At the coast they are spotted and helicoptered to safety. The team praise Ivor's warmth and humanity. He becomes a hero and is knighted for his bravery in taking on what, with hindsight, was such a dangerous venture and for leading the survivors to safety.

2. Colonel Bee-Bee's tale

"Wow, just a minute - is this wooden boat a good idea?" The Colonel decides to take the white-water inflatable instead. Life jackets, paddles and supplies are loaded. They cast off for their two week trip.

At the violent rapids they capsize. The crew all make it to the bank. There is one broken arm. After a day's rest they set off again.

Later two crew members are swept overboard, but are rescued by the crew. After 8 days they discover a waterfall - the hard way. There are no fatalities but it takes 4 days to effect ingenious repairs to the inflatable using jungle gums, leaves and creepers.

Finally, after a month's travails they arrive. Colonel Bee-Bee is sorry they are two weeks late. But all conclude this was entirely due to circumstances beyond his control. He is promoted to Brigadier.

"******* ****! This is ******* stupid." Jim disappears for half a day, leaving instructions for his crew to get themselves sorted out, work out how they'll handle any rapids etc. Jim reappears with an unwilling native in tow.

They all board the inflatable. As they cast off the river level suddenly drops dramatically and the river flow slows. "I told the **** up at the hydroelectric dam to close the sluices," Jim says.

The inflatable proceeds quickly but not suicidally. The rapids are rapid but not murderous. There are cuts and bruises from the violent buffeting, but no capsize and no men overboard.

On day 6 the native gets excited and gesticulates wildly. A waterfall, somewhere ahead, seems to be the message. They land and spend 3 days hiking around the waterfall.

Jim is thanked for bringing the crew back safely, if a little battered. Jim is criticised for being a week late. The experts point out that if he hadn't wasted 3 days walking, and if he hadn't had the river flow slowed they would have made it in 2 weeks easily. Jim is promised another trip to organise so he can do better next time.

A project manager was out walking in the countryside one day when a frog called out to him. He bent down, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog called out again, saying, "If you kiss me I shall turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for a week as your mistress." The project manager took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. The frog called out once more, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for as long as you wish and do absolutely anything that you want". Again the Project manager took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back. Finally, the frog demanded, "What's the matter? You can turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for ever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" to which the project manager replied, "Understand, I'm a project manager. I simply don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog ....... that's cool."

Crash Course in Management Speak

PM Mechanic

Project Manager Performance Appraisal

Here are some more well-turned phrases to help you judge your charges' capabilities:

Glossary of Planning Terms