PM Mechanic 

A project manager, hardware engineer and software engineer were in a car heading down a hill when the brakes failed. The driver managed to get it stopped by using the gears and a convenient dirt track. 

All three jumped out and after peering under the car the hardware engineer said, "I see what the problem is and with this handy roll of duct tape I think I can fix it good enough to get us to the next town". The project manager quickly interrupted, "No, no, no. Before we do anything we need to decide on a vision for our future, figure out a plan and assign individual deliverables". At which point the software engineer said, "You know what, I think we should push the car back up to the top of the hill and see if it happens again". 

Project Manager Performance Appraisal

Here are some more well-turned phrases to help you judge your charges' capabilities:

Glossary of Planning Terms

This is a glossary of regularly used terms and phrases associated with project planning, compiled to ensure that all Project and Programme members have a common understanding of the complicated jargon used by the planning team to confuse and delude Project Managers, Programme Managers and anyone involved in signing timesheets.

Critical Path Analysis

Shortest route between work and the local pub

Barchart

Price List at the local pub

Float

Remaining Beer kitty

End Stage Assessment

Who's round is it next

Mid Stage Assessment

If I slow up drinking Len will get the next round in

Progress Report

How much beer left in the glass?

Plan

Blank sheet of paper to carry round

Milestone

Paul buys a round

PERT Chart

Grading of best looking girls in the pub

Time Analysis

Can we get another pint in before last orders?

Earned Value

The Pay Cheque

BCWS

Beer Consumption When Sober

BCWP

Beer Consumption When Pissed

ACWP

Always Check When Paid

Timesheet

Is that the time?!!! oh sheeeet

Slip

Being first at the bar

GANTT

Get Absolutely Nowhere Telling Truth

Motivation and Morale 

Once upon a time, an American company and a Japanese company decided to have a competitive boat race on the River Thames. The Japanese won by a mile.

The American firm became very discouraged and morale sagged. Senior Management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found and a project team was set up to investigate the problem and recommend the appropriate action.

Their conclusion: the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering. The American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. Senior Management immediately hired a consultant company to do a study of the American team's structure. Millions of dollars and several months later they concluded that too many people were steering and not enough rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese next year, the team structure was changed to four 'Steering Managers', three 'Senior Steering Managers' and one 'Executive Steering Manager'. A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder and become a key performer.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. The Executive Steering Manager of the American company was heard to say: "Next year that lazy SOB is going to have to row a lot harder!" But his underlings laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off the oars, cancelled all capital investment for new equipment and halted development of a new boat. They gave high performance awards to the consultants and distributed the money saved to Senior Management.

Microsoft Project's new menu for Project Managers

After many requests, a special menu has been developed for the latest release of Microsoft Project.  I'm sure you will find it helpful.

How Projects Are Born

Programmer to Module Leader: 
"This is not possible. **Impossible**. It will involve design change and no body in our team knows the design of the system. And above that nobody in our company knows the language in which this software has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion the company should never take these type of projects." 

Module Leader to Project Manager: 
"This project will involve design change. Currently we don't have people who have experience in this type of work. Also the language is unknown so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we should avoid taking this project."

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager: 
"This project involves design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also not many people are trained in this area. In my personal opinion we can take the project but we should ask for some more time." 

1st Level Manager to 2nd Level Manager: 
"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and some who know the language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project but with caution." 

2nd Level Manager to CEO: 
"This project will show the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other people. In my personal opinion we should not let this project go by under any circumstance." 

CEO to Client: 
"These are the type of projects in which our company specialize. We have executed many project of the same nature for many big clients. Trust me when I say that you are in the safest hand in the Industry. In my personal opinion we can execute this project successfully and that too well with in the given time frame."

-- http://www.humor.com

Seven Phases of a Project

1. Wild enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Confusion
4. Panic
5. Search for the guilty
6. Punishment of the innocent
7. Promotion of non-participants

Muddle It Like A Manager

Want to be able to speak like management?

Want to impress your co-workers with you impressive knowledge of the latest management initiative?

All you need to do is think of a three digit number, then select the corresponding buzzword from the below three columns.  For instance, 582 produces "responsive third-generation capability," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report or speech with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority.

No one will have the remotest idea what you are saying, but the important thing is that they are not about to admit it!

Muddle It Like A Manager Table

Great Planning - You may not get this right away. Give it a minute.

-- http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/Job_almost_done_but_wait_a_sec

The Real Purpose of Meetings 

The Tale of Three Project Managers
a project management cautionary tale by Mike Harding Roberts

The Project:  A two week journey in an open boat down a raging jungle river.

Let us see how three different project managers approach this project.

1. Ivor Fairway-Handicap's tale

Ivor: "Cast off!"

An hour later the river is fast flowing but deep and smooth. "This isn't so bad! Look, we're past the first milestone! Well done crew!"

A little later they come upon the first rapids. A worried crew member asks: "Er, what about lifejackets?" Ivor replies: "O.K. Meeting this afternoon to consider. All proposals welcome." The meeting is duly held though the rough ride makes it difficult. The need for lifejackets is agreed. A subcommittee is established to consider what type of lifejacket might be best.

Later, another crew member asks whether oars would help in the increasingly turbulent waters. A meeting is scheduled.

After another few hours of being tossed around in the now violent waters a crew member says someone should be steering. After mildly rebuking the crew member for seeking to make such an arbitrary decision Ivor sets a time for a meeting to discuss whether the boat should be steered, if so by whom and how directional decisions would be arrived at consensually.

Unfortunately, before the meeting can be held the boat is hurled onto the rocks and smashed to matchwood. Half the crew drown in the rapids. Ivor and the survivors hike for 3 months through dense jungle. At the coast they are spotted and helicoptered to safety. The team praise Ivor's warmth and humanity. He becomes a hero and is knighted for his bravery in taking on what, with hindsight, was such a dangerous venture and for leading the survivors to safety.

2. Colonel Bee-Bee's tale

"Wow, just a minute - is this wooden boat a good idea?" The Colonel decides to take the white-water inflatable instead. Life jackets, paddles and supplies are loaded. They cast off for their two week trip.

At the violent rapids they capsize. The crew all make it to the bank. There is one broken arm. After a day's rest they set off again.

Later two crew members are swept overboard, but are rescued by the crew. After 8 days they discover a waterfall - the hard way. There are no fatalities but it takes 4 days to effect ingenious repairs to the inflatable using jungle gums, leaves and creepers.

The food runs out, but two days hunting and gathering replenishes stocks.

Finally, after a month's travails they arrive. Colonel Bee-Bee is sorry they are two weeks late. But all conclude this was entirely due to circumstances beyond his control. He is promoted to Brigadier.

3. Jim McB'stard's tale

"******* ****! This is ******* stupid." Jim disappears for half a day, leaving instructions for his crew to get themselves sorted out, work out how they'll handle any rapids etc. Jim reappears with an unwilling native in tow.

They all board the inflatable. As they cast off the river level suddenly drops dramatically and the river flow slows. "I told the **** up at the hydroelectric dam to close the sluices," Jim says.

The inflatable proceeds quickly but not suicidally. The rapids are rapid but not murderous. There are cuts and bruises from the violent buffeting, but no capsize and no men overboard.

On day 6 the native gets excited and gesticulates wildly. A waterfall, somewhere ahead, seems to be the message. They land and spend 3 days hiking around the waterfall.

There are some very close moments on the trip, but after 3 weeks they arrive.

Jim is thanked for bringing the crew back safely, if a little battered. Jim is criticised for being a week late. The experts point out that if he hadn't wasted 3 days walking, and if he hadn't had the river flow slowed they would have made it in 2 weeks easily. Jim is promised another trip to organise so he can do better next time.

The Tire Swing

The technically astute Project Manager 

This really happened.

Scene: Project meeting, conducted by telephone.

Project Manager: How large is the user file? 

Me: Right now it's about 4K, but it will grow as you add users. 

PM: How much can you fit in 4K? 

ME (trying to make it easy): About 4,000 characters. 

PM: No, no, son! I mean how many lower case characters can you fit? 

ME (puzzled): About 4,000? 

PM: And how many upper case characters? 

ME (unable to resist): You can fit about 4,000 lower case characters or 1 upper case character. 

PM: See? You need a much larger data file. 

ME: Yes, sir.

And you thought this only happened in Dilbert strips!

-- http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/00/Jul/chars.html

The Frog 

A project manager was out walking in the countryside one day when a frog called out to him. He bent down, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog called out again, saying, "If you kiss me I shall turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for a week as your mistress." The project manager took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. The frog called out once more, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for as long as you wish and do absolutely anything that you want". Again the Project manager took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back. Finally, the frog demanded, "What's the matter? You can turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for ever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" to which the project manager replied, "Understand, I'm a project manager. I simply don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog ....... that's cool."

-- http://www.businessballs.com

Rules of Project Management

• Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it. 
• You can con a sucker into committing to an impossible deadline, but you cannot con him into meeting it. 
• At the heart of every large project is a small project trying to get out. 
• The more desperate the situation the more optimistic the situatee. 
• A problem shared is a buck passed. 
• A change freeze is like the abominable snowman: it is a myth and would melt anyway when heat is applied. 
• A user will tell you anything you ask, but nothing more. 
• Of several possible interpretations of a communication, the least convenient is the correct one. 
• What you don't know hurts you. 
• There's never enough time to do it right first time but there's always enough time to go back and do it 
  again. 
• The bitterness of poor quality lasts long after the sweetness of making a date is forgotten. 
• I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. 
• What is not on paper has not been said. 
• A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning. 
• If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you haven't understood the plan. 
• If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. 
• Feather and down are padding, changes and contingencies will be real events. 
• There are no good project managers - only lucky ones. 
• The more you plan the luckier you get. 
• A project is one small step for the project sponsor, one giant leap for the project manager. 
• Good project management is not so much knowing what to do and when, as knowing what excuses to give and when. 
• If everything is going exactly to plan, something somewhere is going massively wrong. 
• Everyone asks for a strong project manger - when they get one, they don't want one. 
• Overtime is a figment of the naïve project manager's imagination. 
• Quantitative project management is for predicting cost and schedule overruns well in advance. 
• The sooner you begin coding the later you finish. 
• Metrics are learned men's excuses. 
• For a project manager, overruns are as certain as death and taxes. 
• Some projects finish on time in spite of project management best practices. 
• Fast - cheap - good - you can have any two. 
• There is such a thing as an unrealistic timescale.
• The project would not have been started if the truth had been told about the cost and timescale. 
• A two-year project will take three years; a three-year project will never finish. 
• When the weight of the project paperwork equals the weight of the project itself, the project can be considered complete. 
• A badly planned project will take three times longer than expected - a well-planned project only twice as long as expected. 
• Warning: dates in a calendar are closer than they appear to be. 
• Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything. 
• There is no such thing as scope creep, only scope gallop. 
• A project gets a year late one day at a time. 
• If you're 6 months late on a milestone due next week but really believe you can make it, you're a project manager. 
• No project has ever finished on time, within budget, to requirements. Yours won't be the first to. 
• Activity is not achievement. 
• Managing IT people is like herding cats. 
• If you don't know how to do a task, start it, then ten people who know less than you will tell you how to do it. 
• If you don't plan, it doesn't work. If you do plan, it doesn't work either. Why plan! 
• The person who says it will take the longest and cost the most is the only one with a clue how to do the job. 
• The sooner you get behind schedule, the more time you have to make it up. 
• The nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression. 
• Good control reveals problems early - which only means you'll have longer to worry about them.

The Genie

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

-- http://www.workjoke.com/projoke27.htm

High Flying PM

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. 

He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend. I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." 

The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude." 

"You must be a programmer," says the balloonist. 

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" 

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." 

The man below says, "You must be a project manager" 

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" 

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

-- http://www.joblatino.com/jokes/managers.html

PM Mechanic

A project manager, hardware engineer and software engineer were in a car heading down a hill when the brakes failed. The driver managed to get it stopped by using the gears and a convenient dirt track.

All three jumped out and after peering under the car the hardware engineer said, "I see what the problem is and with this handy roll of duct tape I think I can fix it good enough to get us to the next town". The project manager quickly interrupted, "No, no, no. Before we do anything we need to decide on a vision for our future, figure out a plan and assign individual deliverables". At which point the software engineer said, "You know what, I think we should push the car back up to the top of the hill and see if it happens again".

-- http://blogs.msdn.com/saraford/archive/2004/06/14/155399.aspx

The Glass

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the project manager, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

-- http://www.businessballs.com

Project Management Quotes

• "A badly planned project will take three times longer than expected - a well planned project only twice as long as expected."
• "A change freeze is like the abominable snowman: it is a myth and would anyway melt when heat is applied."
• "A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning."
• "A problem shared is a buck passed."
• "A project is one small step for the project sponsor, one giant leap for the project manager."
• "A two year project will take three years, a three year project will never finish "
• "A user is somebody who tells you what they want the day you give them what they asked for."
• "A user will tell you anything you ask about, but nothing more."
• "Any project can be estimated accurately (once it's completed)."
• "Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything."
• "Everyone asks for a strong project manager - when they get him they don't want him."
• "Fast - cheap - good: you can have any two."
• "Feather and down are padding - changes and contingencies will be real events."
• "Furious activity does not necessarily equate to progress and is no substitute for understanding."
• "Good control reveals problems early - which only means you'll have longer to worry about them."
• "Good project management is not so much knowing what to do and when, as knowing what excuses to give and when."
• "Good project managers admit mistakes: that's why you so rarely meet a good project manager."
• "I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
• "If an IT project works the first time, it is wrong."
• "If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried."
• "If everything is going exactly to plan, something somewhere is going massively wrong."
• "If it wasn't for the 'last minute', nothing would get done."
• "If project content is allowed to change freely the rate of change will exceed the rate of progress."
• "If there is a 50% chance of something going wrong then 9 times out of 10 it will."
• "If you're 6 months late on a milestone due next week but really believe you can make it, you're a project manager."
• "If you can interpret project status data in several different ways, only the most painful interpretation will be correct."
• "If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you haven't understood the plan."

Top 10 Reasons NOT to Use Project Management

(With apologies to David Letterman)

10. Our customers really love us, so they don't care if our products are late and don't work.

9. Organizing to manage projects isn't compatible with our culture, and the last thing we need around this place is change.

8. All our projects are easy, and they don't have cost, schedule, and technical risks anyway.

7. We aren't smart enough to implement project management without stifling creativity and offending our technical geniuses.

6. We might have to understand our customers' requirements and document a lot of stuff, and that is such a bother.

5. Project management requires integrity and courage, so they would have to pay me extra.

4. Our bosses won't provide the support needed for project management; they want us to get better results through magic.

3. We'd have to apply project management blindly to all projects regardless of size and complexity, and that would be stupid.

2. I know there is a well-developed project management body of knowledge, but I can't find it under this mess on my desk.

1. We figure it's more profitable to have 50% overruns than to spend 10% on project management to fix them.

© Copyright 1996, Jim Chapman. Reprinted by Permission. (with permission to reprint the above including the copyright notice and distribute it without charge.)

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